


Nightmares & Ghosts

by madamebomb



Category: Avatar: Legend of Korra, Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2016-05-02
Packaged: 2018-06-06 01:08:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6731656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madamebomb/pseuds/madamebomb
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Her nightmares are usually about losing him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nightmares & Ghosts

There are some days when she wonders why she's there, connected to the world in so many ways, but disconnected all the same, in all the ways that count. She wonders, sometimes, why her feet have taken her here, of all places. Why she doesn't leave, go back to civilization, her children, the few friends she still has left in the world.

And then the nightmares come. And she knows why. Why she's here. Why she will not leave.

On those days, she finds it hard to even get out of bed, trampled down by nightmares too heavy to cast aside. Those are the bad days, when she dwells on things she has been trying to leave in the past. She can't stop the way her foggy mind flings itself back to the past, when everything was more complicated, and busy, and there were no regrets chasing her old and weary hide into the lonelier places of the world. On those days, she lumbers about, as rickety as rusted springs, chewing sprigs of mint and rubbing her arthritic fingers, digging her toes into the loamy soil and reaching, reaching, reaching for a connection...any connection. Anything to distract from the nightmares, and from the pain in her heart that wants to choke her.

Sometimes, as a distraction, she finds her children, their souls echoing out across the miles between them like blazing beacons. They calm her memories, the nightmares that want to claim her. Sometimes it doesn't help though. 

Sometimes she will walk through the vast and humid swamp, over tree roots and through muddy bogs, seeking the only thing that will calm the unrest in her soul. She lies to herself about why she is out there, what she is seeking. It's easier to lie to herself than to face it. It always was, even back when her face was unlined, her back straight and her pride--her damnable pride--was worn like a shield against the world. On those days, she gives herself up to the strange magic of this place and searches for the only thing, if she is honest with herself, and she is not, that is truly keeping her here.

She always feels him when he's near, followed by the ghost of an icy wind, the smell of snow and thick fur and cooking meat, of sweat and sunlight, of long nights on her back with his weight atop her, of love and loss and regret. She breathes it in, the years tumbling over her wrinkled skin. Tears start in her clouded eyes and she wipes at them, refusing even now to give in to sentiment, though she wants to. She wants to with every inch of her soul. 

"Toph." His voice is distant, almost the sigh of the wind through the moss-laden trees, but she'd know his voice anywhere, his presence. 

"Hey, Sokka." Her voice breaks on his name.

She feels the slightest brush against her cheek the next moment, and a warm feeling rolls over her--and suddenly she's young again, chasing life with a beautiful boy at her side and the whole world is before them and neither of them knows what is coming, of the regrets and mistakes they will make, of the heartbreak between them, and the secrets she still can't bear to face, even after all these years. She breathes out, shakily, and hears him laugh a little. Or maybe she feels it, deep down in her soul, in the gaping hole his death has left in her. That hole has never healed and the pain of it has chased her here, to this dank and lonely place.

"You've been having nightmares again."

She doesn't ask how he knows. She doesn't even really know if it's him--his Spirit--or if it's just the Swamp manifesting the soul-deep desire that has sent her searching for him. It hardly matters. The results are the same. She needs him, and he is here. Just as it always was between them.

"My nightmares are usually about losing you," she says, feeling the sorrow uncoil in her and strike like a snake. Tears start in her eyes, and seep down her sunken cheeks and she cannot stop them. "Why did you go with Zuko? Why did you try and stop the Red Lotus? You were just an old man with a boomerang, you idiot! You got yourself killed!"

"I made my choices, Toph," he says and she feels a brush of lips against her forehead. "We both made our choices."

"But I'm the only one who still has to live with them, you bastard!" she shouts into the muggy air, sending birds scattering on the wing and rendering the insects silent for one long moment. Her bent body breaks and she sinks to her aching knees, face buried in her gnarled hands as tears burn down her cheeks. "I never meant to push you away. Why did you leave me?"

But he doesn't answer.

Eventually night falls and the birds come back to roost. She picks herself up and makes her way back to her home, her secret hiding place from the world. She knows she'll have another bad day soon, more nightmares, more memories that'll seep into her belly like hot metal, shredding her up. She'll seek him again then, among the trees and roots and rocks, searching for the boy she fought alongside, the man she loved and pushed away, and the father she couldn't bear to tell the truth to. Finding his echo won't help though, and she knows it. It never does, but she cannot bear to leave.

She has made her choice.


End file.
